It's Been Three Years

It has been three years. Three very long years ago, Dean and I agreed to move to Cambridge, Minnesota. His new career with Schlagel's here has been everything and more that he had hoped it would be. It's a perfect fit. I knew that would be the case when I sat in his interview. Very little else here is what I would call a "perfect" fit. I wrestle every single day with being here. At times I simply hate it, and hate is not too strong of a word. I feel as if I'm in a cage of loneliness and distance from all I love and hold sacred. I did not want to come here but I could not stand in the way of my husband's work. One of us has to make good money and his earning potential has always been greater than my own. So, I wrestle. Every single day, to some degree I wrestle with what it means to be living here.

Today, we visited a class at Common Ground: A Methodist Community. We've been there a few times before and the format of the class has been very interesting. A man with a seminary degree leads us in a discussion through portions of the Bible where Jesus is to be talking to his disciples, sending them out. Parallel passages are compared one to another and scholarship is added to validate whether or not Jesus "could" have said this or that. All of those scholarly voices overwhelm me and I find myself saying, for Pete's sake, we really have to dissect this thing that much to figure out what it means to us today?

The class discusses Jesus' instructions to the twelve...what does this mean? Person after person shares their two cents and says something to the effect of, "I think it means..."  A passage is reached that tells about going without anything...,"no gold, silver, copper...no bag for the journey, no extra tunic, or sandals or staff, for the worker deserves his provisions". Several say that they shouldn't have money, they shouldn't have extra clothes etc. and all I hear is the cries in my life of days gone by when I was struggling in the midst of my hard working and wealthier family, barely able to by a new shirt. The days when my faith community wanted my "all" and I wanted them to have it based on these verses or others like them. I remember giving and giving, time, energy, money and all for the "Kingdom". It brought me to days of so much pain in my body that I could hardly move but also days when I did move and move and move. Days when pleasing anyone was such a big mistake that I lost myself. The road back was hard. It is hard again and I don't like that.

I came here and found myself in a job that was more difficult than any I had ever imagined. Hannah  regressed, progressed and regressed again in cycles until she left us. She left after our family vacation. She left in dysfunction, delusion and naiveté. She left with arrogant confidence empowered only by her desire to avoid reality and return to something solid in Utah. I envied her. I envied her freedom to go and knowingly hurt us. I hated her for hurting us so deeply, so punishingly, so brutally. I was so alone when she left. I was her mother but no more important than a bug on the floor. I felt hated by her. No, I knew I was hated by her, despised by her in ways I could never begin to influence. I was abandoned and discarded like an old sock. I was excruciatingly alone.

I went to the hospital for some relief from the intense reflux and in the midst of a very stressful couple of months of painful work with one particular student. I gave it all, every day, every night and even on the weekends. It was not enough. I hoped the ten days off for surgery would give me a rebound of strength and energy. Ten days turned into almost 4 months and instead of gaining anything, I went into an abyss of confusion and pain. Alone.

I don't want to be here. I want to go home to 5 Teal Loop. I cannot believe how strong and passionate my desire is to leave here, to escape the Bible Banter and live again. Bible Banter is what our church's class is called. I don't like Minnesota and the anger that seems to live here. It is supposed to be a "nice" place but to me it is an angry place. A controlling place. A hard place.

I am grateful to my parents for supporting our move. We are financially more stable than ever. I'm going to get a fireplace. Spring is coming.