January...Acceptance

Last December I participated in the MAPS (Medical Advanced Pain Specialists) Chronic Pain Program. It was a four week program for people who have some form of continual physical pain. Among those in my group were individuals with chronic bladder pain, back and joint pain, chronic arm/shoulder pain to the point of having blackouts on a regular basis because the brain tires of the pain, chronic and varied headaches and of course myself with a severed rib and immobilizing left side nerve pain. One would think that spending time people dealing with so much pain and agony would have been the final nail in each of our coffins but it was exactly the opposite. It was beautiful.

The CPP staff continually emphasizes the importance of simply showing up and being present. They have created an environment where pain is expected along with your participation. Simply put, if you need an ice pack, if you need to get up and walk around, if you need to check out for a bit, it's not the end of the world and they won't stop doing what they need to do for the sake of the group simply because you are in pain.  That one element of the program made a huge difference in my life.

As a person in chronic pain interacting with healthy people, you know that participation in whatever event is at hand, will bring with it an expectation that you WILL actually participate in the whole thing. When you agree to show up, no one really has any idea how much of an effort that will actually take but you. It makes sense that you are just the wife, mother, daughter, aunt, church/community member etc. who has always been there. Your new reality with chronic pain, however, is that there is not one aspect of your life that remains "normal" and social functions are really some of the most difficult of all.

As you attempt to participate in life, you understand that in order to do so it will require you to do so with some kind of physical intervention. You may need pain meds, a tens unit, some ice/heat or you may even need to take a nap somewhere away from everyone. All of these things you and those closest to you may be quite frustrated by but at least you have grown accustomed to them. Unfortunately the others in your life have not and you feel so awkward being with them. The negative self-talk really can kick in as you deal with your compromised participation in the meaningful events of your life. Slowly but surely, you begin to avoid social activities altogether. Unfortunately this makes your situation even more chronic and unhealthy for you and you find yourself stuck. The beauty of participating in the Chronic Pain Program was that I was able to go to it without the expectation from myself or anyone else to participate as though I did not have a chronic pain condition. This one dynamic began to change the entire trajectory of my recovery and I am so thankful.

I went into the program solely because I wanted to participate in the exercise portion of it and regain some core strength thinking that if I did that I'd beat the pain and it would go away. It did not go away and likely may not ever do so in light of the extensive damage done to the intercostal nerves and a rib that may or may not calcify and heal but I'm really okay with that right now. I am a lot stronger physically than I was before but more than anything else, I am re-engaged in life and have been able to accept some of the long term changes that I have to make in order to maintain my progress. The most profound change I have made is that I have finally found the strength to deeply accept that my career as a full time elementary teacher is over. It has been SO good to finally get to this point.

The stages of grief were developed to help us understand the reality of dealing with the death of a loved one and the processes we go through when that happens. The CPP psychologists taught us that these stages applied to our lives as we have been forced to deal with the "death" of things we held dear in our lives prior to these painful experiences.

from Wikipedia...
The Kübler-Ross model, commonly referred to as the "five stages of grief", is a hypothesis introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross^[1] in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, which was inspired by her work with terminally ill patients. Kübler-Ross' hypothesis was that when a person (and/or their survivors) is faced with the reality of their impending death, he/she will experience a series of emotional "stages": denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance (in no specific sequence).

Acceptance Stage Defined:
 "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

I am finally at the place where I know it is going to be okay if I never teach again. It is going to be okay if I fully let go and find my voice somewhere else. There is a lot more I can say about this process. For now, this is just the greatest relief for me. I know my identity was really wrapped up in my profession and I know it shouldn't have been in a perfect world but nonetheless it was. I literally loved teaching kids and being in a school more than just about anything else and have surrendered that love multiple times because of the things our family has been through over the years but I'd been so hoping to re-engage in it here in Minnesota and it was the primary reason I believed I could be happy in this different place.

Today I'm grateful for the skilled and trained staff at The MAPS clinic who have made it possible for me to move through this. I'm sure I'll be blogging more as time goes on. Happy New Year!