My Christian Story

I closed the back cover on the book Waking by Twin Cities author Matthew Sanford.

"When Matthew Sanford was just thirteen, his family’s car skidded off an overpass on an icy Iowa road — killing his father and sister, paralyzing him from the chest down, and changing his life forever. Years later, yoga would dramatically change it again. In WAKING: A Memoir of Trauma and Transcendence (Rodale, June 2006), Matthew chronicles his journey from the intensive care unit to becoming a paralyzed yoga teacher and founder of a nonprofit organization." from his website

I am so astounded by his story that the only response that seems appropriate is silence and deep gratitude for his life. Toward the end of the book he says, "...To whatever extent Waking is effective, it is because of a hard-earned willingness to share: share not what I want my story to be, not what I thought is should be, but what my story was. I needed to share it without judgment, without protection, and without sentimentality. I needed to trust and believe my experience."

As I read those words, it was as if they were audibly being spoken to me. Suddenly I understood that I have lived my life this last few years being afraid of my own story. Moving back to the Midwest and into a community where Evangelical churches are everywhere, I have been forced to really deal with the incredible growth and change that took place in my life in Utah. Real honestly, I could hide out there and enjoy being my own self because the culture at large expected nothing from me. In general my Mormon friends spoke their truth to me and then allowed my life to speak for itself. I loved the opportunity to meet and develop friendships without this intense worry that I had to be something I was not. It was thrilling to meet those who were "other" than I was and learn about life from their worldview or perspective. I miss that life very much.

It is simply time for me to grow up and accept my personal story and risk losing friendships with those who knew me when. In owning my story, I want it to just be what it is and for the sake of several old friends on Facebook and especially in my hometown, I just need to honestly say, I am not where I once was.

A huge part of my story is about being a Christian and what that means to me now. It is also about what it means to my family and friends and how my life will very likely change as I'm real about my faith. I know without a doubt that some of the people in my life that I deeply care about will very likely determine that I have "backslidden", am now "lost" and very seriously determine that Satan is now master of my life. It actually has already happened with some who have encouraged me to see that my life is full of anger and bitterness. It's already been hard but to not continue to live my own life under the pretense that I'm an Evangelical Christian would be the ultimate hypocrisy.

My present reality is this. I know that at 16 when I gave my life to Christ something took place in my life. It was a spiritual conversion. I'm very secure in it. The suffering that has found its way into my life over the years has simply burned up what I now understand was religiosity and spiritual arrogance that consumed my life. I believe that when I began the process of questioning everything during the most difficult times of my life, God became real to me in amazing ways and religion began to disappear. All I have the courage to share right now in a public way is that though I still consider myself a Christian, I do not believe one has to believe that the Bible is inerrant or literal from cover to cover, I no longer believe that a decision for Christ is a one time deal that seals a person's eternal destiny and I believe that God's tent is much more inclusive than choosing to encompass only a certain few who have figured out how to make that decision. AND...I also believe that God is not a Republican or a Democrat.

So, do with this what you will. I hope to simply rest in my own life and continue to live it out loud.