If you live in the US and most western countries you are always thinking about your body and what image it presents to the world. Even when you don't think you care, you very likely do, and even if you don't think you are looking, you very likely are. It's almost a certainty that casually passing by a mirror and catching your reflection without a care, simply doesn't happen. In fact, I think that's probably why mirrors were invented. We are trained from very early on to assess our "look" and ensure that we're presenting ourselves properly.
I had a moment in a mirror that changed my life forever. It was the fall of 1992. I had been diagnosed with systemic lupus earlier that summer. By this time it was flaring up out of control so I was placed on a high dose of prednisone, a steroid medication that gave me a ravenous appetite. I gained 36 lbs. in 3 weeks. It was just incredible. As I looked at myself one day in the mirror, I remember just standing there and staring, wondering where my body had gone. Then it hit me. It wasn't gone, it had simply changed in response to illness. Almost simultaneously, it hit me, I was not gone nor had I changed at all. I was still very much there, the same as always. It was a stunning moment as I stood there. I felt as if I'd been given this tremendous gift; the clear and certain revelation that I was not my just my body or its size.
That moment has been with me many times. It has helped me see everyone I meet equally. It has impacted my experiences going through the check out lines in grocery stores. It has helped me want to live life without a focus on my body image. Unfortunately, I had no real grasp on the reality of why that thought came to me at the time or why it was also such a profound moment. It has taken ten years and it's been a very painful journey to discover why that was.
I have come to understand that I was only free to actually SEE this reality because I had grown up with the idea that being large was acceptable only when it wasn't your fault, as in if you have a thyroid problem or as in my case, when you were taking steroids for health reasons. So at the time, I was able to relax enough and accept my size as an okay thing for that reason. It was only because of that misconception that I found the strength to actually take a prolonged look in the mirror. This experience was just part of the whole picture of other forces at work in my life that eventually led me to understand my battle with perfection and how that has fed into my illness. At the time it was very important for me to realize that my life wasn't over simply because I was ill. I have since come to understand that perfectionist and anxiety driven anorexia likely led to the lupus flaring up and getting out of control. Let's just say that there is a lot more to this story but for the sake of this one light bulb moment, I'm writing today.
I go back to that moment because in one sense it continues to remain a profound turning point in my journey. It permanently gave me a sense of what it feels like to grasp that I AM NOT my size, I am simply ME. At the same time though, as I continue to unravel my brain's wiring in this world of eating disorders, body image and health, I know that I want to really let go of the mirrors. I want to continue to grow in the grasp that a life lives in this body and that life needs this body to express itself in the world. I want take care of it and love it, as it is.
There is more, so very much more to share as time goes on.
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