In 1992 I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. In the last two years I have fully faced the reality that I was actually dying of malnutrition as a result of being an overachieving perfectionist mom, teacher and volunteer in my church. For me it wasn't about being thin because I'd been thin all of my life. It was all about meeting perceived expectations from others and being successful in their eyes. In the process I totally lost sight of my own self.
My daughter went into treatment for her own eating disorder in 2003. In the devastation of that experience, I was able to clearly acknowledge that I too had eating disordered tendencies. I knew that when stressed, I would cope by not eating, or simply be too busy to eat with my full schedule. After years of being an advocate for eating disorder recovery and promoting Health At Every Size and Intuitive Eating, it wasn't until I faced some unexpected weight gain that I really had a "come to Jesus" moment with the reality of my own illness.
In December of 2009 I had a complete hysterectomy that resulted in weight gain from the removal of my ovaries (I'm told estrogen is stored in the fat because our bodies still need it once they are removed). My eating habits didn't change but my metabolism clearly did and the pounds steadily came on. For the first time in my life I began to experience the reality of larger numbers on the tags of my clothes, shifting styles as one goes from misses to womens sizes. I've spent so much money trying to find clothes that I like and that fit well on this new me. To say the least, this struggle greatly embarrassed me after all the work I had done to promote a new mindset in our culture. EVERY decision to purchase the correct size was a conscious choosing and one where I simply had to trust the higher wisdom of those who had gone before me in this battle. I am beyond grateful for the tools they have given me and at present have committed myself to health at this size.
If you know me, you know that I am committed to fully facing my life and living with authenticity. That said it is certainly not a journey of the faint at heart. I am newly aware of the rewards in this culture for starving ourselves and being thin at all costs. From the latest styles flattering the thinnest among us to the attention paid to us by men when we are thin and considered more attractive (seriously, I've had a professional man tell me that certain teachers have more influence over students simply because they are thin and attractive-get's your dander up as a female doesn't it?), it is not an easy task to be comfortable in your own skin when you are larger. BUT do that I must!
My body continues to do amazing things for me and if it has to be a conscious habit to approve of it as it is, I will do it until I die. I love my life so very much and am SO thankful for God's gracious outpouring of resources for me (us- ALL of us!) to heal.
I'm fifty and life is JUST beginning!
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