I just started reading the new book by Rachel Simmons called The Curse of the Good Girl. I've been through so much the last 17 years I thought for sure I'd broken free from this "curse" and arrived at a new destination,a place where Grace, Mercy and Love actually reigned freely in my life every day and all of the time. Instead, this book arrives and breaks through my life as if a brick has been thrown through my personal window of the pretense that I really could go to back to school and do it "right" this time. I honestly expected that with the age and maturity that I'd gained since my first college graduation, a perfect 4.0 in this program would be possible. It hasn't been and it won't be. I've been dealing with this all semester. Rachel's book has made me aware of my self and the fact that what I've really been dealing with is "the curse of the good girl".
Today I had my 8th practicum evaluation for Direct Instruction Reading. I have a student with serious behavior issues in the group. She's been labeled the "bad" girl in her family - her sister is the "good" girl. Today being Monday, she flipped out right as she was taking forever to get to my group. She is so sure she's all bad that incentives don't really work at present. There is no payoff great enough for the hole in her heart. Add to this a University supervisor sitting in my group. I have 45 minutes - limited authority, a wild child and an intense instructional program that takes most of my brain power. It was honestly like going up the mountain on that first hike after winter. I was out of breath and sore when it was over but unlike the first spring hike, the view was not at all breath-taking. As I left the room to go "discuss" my observation with the instructor, most of what I felt was a sense of complete failure. The curse of the good girl who didn't measure up...again.
The voice most predominate in my head as we made our way down the hall was, "You have so much potential but you never use it." Words I heard after way too many parent teacher conferences. My instructor was amazing and gracious but firm in the grade as it is data driven. In other words, you earn exactly what you earn - no subjectivity. I was compliant and teachable. When she asked did I have any opinions or disagreements, guess what I said, "No", just wanted to get it over with. I told her I was happy with my grade and thankful for all I had learned - not pretentious at all. I really have learned a ton and will be a much better teacher as a result of this class. I went off to take on the rest of the day with the mantra "a B is just fine!"but I've had a hard time believing that all day!
If the truth really does set you free, then it's time for me to say the truth here with an effort to disempower that "good girl" thinking.
Earning that B today with that "hard" kid being out of control truly stretched me to the absolute end of my talent,education and skill. I actually think in light of everything all together, I kicked butt in that group today. I also think student "wild woman" actually learned something IN SPITE of it all and our last words were those of hope for next Monday when I'm back.
It was so nerve wracking to sit under a university instructor on 8 different occassions but harder still as a 48 year old undergrad student who has successfully taught her own classes for 15 years. It was often just awful to be told how to really handle the "hard" kid when I knew that if I would have just had full authority over her today, things would have turned out very different.
In summary,that B means the world to me and I'm very proud of it. It's the world's view of the B that scares me. It's the world's perception of it being "mediocrity" instead of excellence when that just simply is not the case. I'm marching on - I'm going to break free of this good girl thing yet - even if it takes my entire lifetime to do it.
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